Much is written about the side effects of chemotherapy. Their occurrence, duration or severity can vary from patient to patient. When charting these changes throughout my Journey, some reactions are more obvious and immediate like nausea, decreased appetite or hair loss. While others are present but come on with a more subtle trajectory - like CIPN (chemotherapy-induced peripheral neuropathy), hearing loss and fading memory (to name a few of my personal favorites).
As an adjunct to the confusing array of changes going on in my body, there are things happening to my unique cancer physiology that can be difficult to separate from the normal course of aging versus the results of the disease present in my system. For me, my muddled memory is one of those dichotomies.
Honestly, remembering aspects of my past has never been my strong suit. Yet, I have successfully navigated a job for the past 20+ years that is based on managing extensive details and minutia under high-pressure situations. I can’t easily recall who is how old anymore in my extended family (admittedly, there are a lot of them - and growing). But when it comes to “my music,” I hear it all just like I did the first time, and in some cases I can even remember that first time or event (they do say that auditory memory can be very powerful - so too with olfactory recollections; just think about how a simple yet familiar aroma can really take you back).
On a recent work flight, I had the pleasure of listening to a few hours of my tunes. With almost every song, after just a few beginning notes, I could name that tune - and a flood of listening moments came rushing back. Or within the body of the song, I could anxiously recall the next verse or instrument solo approaching. And, with a staggering amount of them, when the selection ended, I could even start to sing the next song on the album - even though I was listening in random shuffle order. Go figure.
Because of cancer or just turning 100, one day all of the aforementioned prognostication will elude me. But it won’t really matter because I will still have the music to enjoy in that moment - and I can say with great comfort now, that that will be enough then.
